so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Dear god my vagina.
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