My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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