i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
