omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
