I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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