piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
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