party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
