Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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