I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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