He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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