And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
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