Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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