apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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