True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
