Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
