I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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