Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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