I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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