do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
