This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I love how my cats smell like pot.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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