Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
