I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
