dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
These tits shall not be calmed
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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