My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
