There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
