it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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