last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
