Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
