I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize