I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
