i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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