I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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