he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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