So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize