Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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