i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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