Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
