Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
