Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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