im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
