WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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