Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
