okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
