I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
