dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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