So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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