i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
