Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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