you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
