A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
