I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Even my vagina gasped.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
