I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
