What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
