I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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