who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
